I'm really upset with they way people are these days. How I sacrifice do things for others and they lie, cheat, steal and everything is about their selfish ambition 'how can i help ME?' And people dont realize that way that mentality doesnt work and that's why things are so messed up. They use you for what they can get out of you, friendships arent even genuine for companionship, leaning on one another but how can this person benefit me? Is what they ask themselves. I'm sure i'm guilty of it in some aspect but I'm no saint I'll be the first to say I'm trying to live my life right in the eyes of the Lord and I'm not about to be what everyone else is or do what everyone else is. So i really feel alone sometimes in the sense that no one believes in good anymore. And it just makes me distance myself from people even more even though I know our hearts weren't designed for that but for relation. I tell my self the verse " let us not grow weary of doing the work of the Lord" and I think about how Jesus could have easily just given up and said no way these people are ridiculous. I realize that I make a choice by loving these people but why must they act like this? I'm growing weary of peoples wicked ways.
I'm really trying to bite my tongue and not say anything but that's a hard pill to swallow when it continues and everyday i'm confronted with this issue. I want to yell because it bothers me! Instead I choose silence. So I simply have to move on devert my mind to other things
I have arrived to my destination, school that is and its pretty quite here on campus. So far I've just been working nothing too strenuous. Last night I went camping, I've been in the wilderness before but this time I got to sleep in a tent. The experience was good I had a lot of fun and got to know people a little better. It was a cold night I probably slept for a good 5-10mins, no kidding and went in the tent around 11:15pm est. There was all kids of sounds, groans, noises especially nature, But even nature was quite it was just people at the camp sight. Like I said I had a great time. So after laying awake for several hours shivering for most of them due to like of heating coverage, I got up sat by the fire to warm up later we ate breakfast shared some laughs and got in the vans to go BIKE RIDING!!
Now mind you I haven't ridden a bike in a while except this time B and I were in the store riding it through the aisle but this was different. It was all down hill pretty much some flat areas bridges,rocks and people. my bike was in the wrong gear or what have you most of journey, I'm aching and my bottom hurts really really bad however it was quite the experience all 19-20 miles (yess I biked that far) There were times where the group would break apart so it would be me alone in the back just trailing along. The scenery was really nice and I was just thinking weird things like " what's God's favorite color?" or "does he even have one because he's The Light?" because we see what light hits that's how we perceive things but what about God? As sore as I am and as many times as I ran into things, I'd do it again.
On my bike ride I was pretty much focused no stopping to look at trees, play in the water only if someone called for me(which didn't happen to much because I was alone for the majority of the trip) or injury. I just wanted to finish to keep going pushing onward with those going in the same direction as me. That's how I want to be this year so to speak, changing not the same being more positive and looking forward to things. I try to live my life with no regret and so far I have there are moments that I am not proud of but I take it as a lesson learned or experience. I'm striving to be a fighter not just an intellect. There are things I want to accomplish in my life and I can't let things bring me down. Sure the road will be bump, may grow tired and wary, want to get off take another path but when you make it to the end and God says " well done" (or something to that effect) It will all be worth it.
Stephen just reminded me of that on Sunday and I think there comes a time where you faith will be tested not " did you get an extra cookie, help an old lady cross the street type thing but " who is willing to take my son" it says in one of my favorite stories. What are you going to do?
I realized that it doesnt really matter atleast that's how I feel at the moment. I don't know how one gets over a heartache I don't know how one can move past the devastation, because when I think I'm moving but it feels like I'm stuck and I keep trying to shake it with no answers explanation or applogizes for that matter.
I don't have a solution I'm simply giving up. I've prayed and I will continue to do so that my heart doesn't harden towards those who have wronged me, that I do not take love for granted, that I can be truly love. My problem is that I want to fix this and I simply dont have the slightest clue its like some one gave me a bag told me to put it together I have no idea what its suppose to be how many screws but just put it together. I think its because I'm so hurt and this time its deeper... I just dont know....
I attempted to love and I got burned I suppose I just dont have that ability
I always felt it was amazing how God could love people uncondtionally no matter what they did or said He has open arms. It goes on and on nothing can stop him for loving us. I'm truly thankful for that. So I attemped to love this summer people I dont like, people who dont like me, people who need love.I wanted to have that ability to love regardless.
I always find myslef being disappointed in relationships with people whether its the bank, the store, friends, family even. In one situation I thought if I treat this person with respect, how they should be treated that I would revcieve that in return. I was truly wrong. I learned that just because people say "l love you" they could be lying the love that we say is aros love not agape like God. (Jesus had that abiltity when he decided to die for humanity I dunno if its humanily possible) I just give/gave my heart and its like people take it for granted. I don't take a chance for many things or many people for that matter because I like being safe. The one time I decided to do so I get hit by a bus. Its not a good feeling to know that when you do regain consciousness and find out that the person who was driving the bus you got hit and hurt by was the person who was suppose to love you.
Why do we set out to hurt people? intentionally unintentionally?
(I try my best not to hurt people I really do and if you have been hurt by me I applogize for causing you that pain to make you feel like I didnt love you because I do. I don't want to contiue the cycle of someone gets hurt so they hurt someone else.)
...So I was shuckin and jiving in my room and I decided to check out my xanga. Its been quite some time almost 6mths. on monday. Anywho a lot has happened in my first year at school, time has flown by and there has been some days where i feel like its on crack.
I've learned a lot and been quite sucessful I suppose in my first year. I'm actually waiting for it all to be over, it was good and there were hard times but I wouldnt change it. I've grown and its kind of weird but i'm okay with that. School is school is what i always say. And then there's next year kind of wondering what will be in store for me.
